And a perspective on living with ADHD

I have decided to commit to making Ask-Paintblood a weekly comic and I’d very much like your support in doing so (along with other projects/artwork I have planned for the immediate future).

For anyone interested in what I have to say about my ADHD, check it out below the break:

As anyone who has followed me for long can see, I do not usually like to use my Tumblr for opinion pieces, sharing other posts or as a personal blog. This is because I consider my page to be very much a gallery of my artwork and artistic progression. I am not interested in changing that anytime soon, however I find myself wishing to share my current thoughts:

I have ADHD. Most will know this stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, I am sure, but - as with most mental disorders - the name leads to some misunderstanding; it does not mean that I was just a very energetic child, by any means.

ADHD in adults like myself is characterised by impulsiveness, inattentiveness and hyperactivity, which I can best describe as incessant fidgeting. You can find more information on WHAT the condition is in a variety of places, so I’m not going to go into that; not least because I’m not really qualified to do so. I do however want to talk a bit about how it affects me and what I’ve been through due to it- I want to do this because II hope it will help me sort out my own thoughts and push towards a more productive future.

A little background:

I was first diagnosed with ADHD at about age 9 or 10. Aty the time I was not given medication for the condition as my mother did not accept the doctor’s recommendation I be given a stimulant drug (Methylphenidate, more commonly known as Ritalin) as a child. This I have come to be certain, was an enormous mistake.

As a schoolchild I was a very poor listener, a constant source of distraction in classes and by all accounts a complete failure as a student in most classes. I fidgeted, spent my time drawing in my classbooks instead of doing the work and consistently found myself in detention. I also struggled to make friends and found myself not fitting in even among more accepting crowds. That last part was because I talked incessantly and was seen as extremely irritating by basically everyone. As time went on I found it harder and harder to make friends as I lost out on social experiences more and more.

Fast forward to age 20 and I had only just scraped through school and failed 3 attempts at college (or, for you Americans, I basically flunked high school 3 times). I had nowhere to be, no idea what i wanted out of life and I couldn’t hold down even a basic job; I couldn’t convince myself to rise in the mornings. I was a mess, living off benefits… and I was not getting any better; I spent money as soon as I had it meaning I never had the money to go anywhere or do anything to help improve my situation.

After an incident that got me evicted, I had no savings to fall back on and I ended up living on my friend’s couch for most of a year. I could tell that there was most definitely something wrong and that I had no business being in the situation I was, but it wasn’t until i was 23 that I looked into getting help.

“Get to the point already”:

My Doctor, after my diagnosis was given, explained to me (two years ago, so don’t quote me on it) that people with ADHD have problems distributing the hormones that mediate our motivation; For times we enjoy, we are given an inordinately high dose. For those we are not interested in, we receive an inordinately low dose. This results in tasks like doing the dishes or getting out of a warm bed significantly harder to commit to; in contrast it also makes us witter on beyond reason about things we like just because it feels good to do so. Effectively, this results in my appearance as an incredibly lazy and self-absorbed person.

ADHD medication effectively does the job of raising my baseline levels of motivation; I am even more wittery and hyperactive, but at the same time, I am also far more focused on a task once begun.

Without the meds (which lessen the issues), I often find myself forgetting everything I am told because I cannot focus enough on a conversation to commit it to memory; I routinely ask people to repeat things then answer anyway as they start to repeat it because suddenly it clicks in my mind as to what they said. I forget to do things I am asked to do seconds after saying i will do it because something else caught my attention; if you have ever walked into a room to do something, then forgotten entirely what you went in there to do, you will understand how frustrating it might be when that happens multiple times every day.

What ADHD medication really does NOT do is brush away the 23 years of consistent failures, ostracization and self-loathing that came before, the emotions that lay the foundation of what i strongly suspect to be an anxiety disorder.

In the last two years things have been substantially better; I take much better care of myself and am significantly more open to doing things, pushing myself to achieve more and more without having to pat myself on the back for a job well done just I did one thing today that most people do offhand every day by habit… I am not exactly ‘doing well’ with my ADHD, but thanks to the medication and the patience of a close friend I now feel far more capable of fixing my life.

I am certain that can continue

I am also very grateful to anyone who read this through! my experience is seemingly more severe than others I have met with ADHD, but it is no less an issue many face and if this gives a new perspective to someone it was worth sharing.